01. An elderly lady was well known for her faith and for her boldness and talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "Praise the Lord!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord!! God, I need FOOD!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries!!"
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and saw a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Praise the Lord!!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Ha Ha!! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries. God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD!!! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them!!"
02. There was a terrible blizzard and it was snowing and snowing all weekend. Sunday morning came and the Pastor saw that the snow had reached his window. He didn't think anyone would be coming to church this morning, but he felt obliged to go anyway. The pastor fought his way through the icy wind and snow to get next door to the church. He waited in the sanctuary, reading, for ten minutes. He was about to go when the door opened, and a man staggered through.
" Hello!" said the pastor. "Church will have to be cancelled today. You're the only one who has come."
The man replied, "Reverend, if you had a big herd of sheep, and only one came home that night to feed, would you still feed him?"
The pastor was amazed and cried, "Yes! I would!" He then was filled with the spirit, and decided to preach the best sermon ever. He talked and talked about all of life's trials and joys. He referred to passages from Genesis to Job, Psalms to John, Acts to Revelation. He did so with profound excitement and conviction. This went on for a long time.
After the minister had come to his final conclusion, he went down and talked to the other man.
" Did that satisfy you, sir?" he asked happily. The man replied, "Reverend, if you had a herd of sheep and only one came home that night to feed, would you make sure he ate the whole bale of hay!?"
03. There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly that it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand. I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 per week. My pastor will find me!"
04. One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened patiently and kindly to the man and, after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making contest."
To which the man replied, "OK, great!"
But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
05. A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and you dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist!"
06. A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.
The doctor says, "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people."
St. Peter replies, "That's great. Go ahead into heaven."
"And what about you?" The nurse states, "I have supported the doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, have taken time to explain things to patients, and have helped them lead healthy lives."
"Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor."
"And what about you?" The HMO executive says, "I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization. I was responsible for the health care of millions of people all over the country."
St. Peter says, "Oh, I see. Please go on in ... but you can only stay two nights!"
07. There once was an Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fainted to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed, Your eternally loving husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here."
JUST FOR LAUGHS FUNNIES GARDEN
at God's Little Acre by Rusti