SHORT CHRISTIAN JOKES 2
elderly lady was well known for her faith and for
her boldness and talking about it. She would
stand on her front porch and shout, "Praise
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get
so angry at her proclamations he would shout,
"There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she
prayed for God to send her some assistance. She
stood on her porch and shouted, "Praise the
Lord!! God, I need FOOD!! I am having a hard time.
Please, Lord, send me some groceries!!"
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch
and saw a large bag of groceries and shouted,
"Praise the Lord!!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said,
"Ha Ha!! I told you there was no Lord. I
bought those groceries. God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping
her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD!!! He
not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil
pay for them!!"
There was a terrible
blizzard and it was snowing and snowing all
weekend. Sunday morning came and the Pastor saw
that the snow had reached his window. He didn't
think anyone would be coming to church this
morning, but he felt obliged to go anyway. The
pastor fought his way through the icy wind and
snow to get next door to the church. He waited in
the sanctuary, reading, for ten minutes. He was
about to go when the door opened, and a man
" Hello!" said the pastor. "Church
will have to be cancelled today. You're the only
one who has come."
The man replied, "Reverend, if you had a big
herd of sheep, and only one came home that night
to feed, would you still feed him?"
The pastor was amazed and cried, "Yes! I
would!" He then was filled with the spirit,
and decided to preach the best sermon ever. He
talked and talked about all of life's trials and
joys. He referred to passages from Genesis to
Job, Psalms to John, Acts to Revelation. He did
so with profound excitement and conviction. This
went on for a long time.
After the minister had come to his final
conclusion, he went down and talked to the other
" Did that satisfy you, sir?" he asked
happily. The man replied, "Reverend, if you
had a herd of sheep and only one came home that
night to feed, would you make sure he ate the
whole bale of hay!?"
There were two men
shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got
on to the island one of them started screaming
and yelling, "We're going to die! We're
going to die! There's no food! No water! We're
going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree
and acting so calmly that it drove the first man
crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going
The second man replied, "You don't
understand. I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and
asked, "What difference does that make?!?
We're on an island with no food and no water!
We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get
it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten
percent on that $100,000 per week. My pastor will
One day a group of
scientists got together and decided that man had
come a long way and no longer needed God. They
picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they
were done with Him. The scientist walked up to
God and said, "God, we've decided that we no
longer need you. We're to the point that we can
clone people and do many miraculous things, so
why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened patiently and kindly to the man and,
after the scientist was done talking, God said,
"Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making
To which the man replied, "OK, great!"
But God added, "Now we're going to do this
just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem"
and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no.
You go get your own dirt!"
A young woman teacher with
obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class
of small children that she is an atheist. She
asks her class if they are atheists too. Not
really knowing what atheism is, but wanting to be
like their teacher, their hands explode into the
air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one
exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along
with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has
decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "What
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face
slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving
Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a
Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason,"
she says loudly. "What if your mom was a
moron, and you dad was a moron. What would you be
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says
Lucy, "I'd be an atheist!"
A doctor, a nurse, and the
top executive of an HMO have died and are in line
together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks
with them and asks them what good they have done
in their lives.
The doctor says, "I have devoted my life to
the sick and needy and have had a part in caring
for and healing thousands of people."
St. Peter replies, "That's great. Go ahead
"And what about you?" The nurse states,
"I have supported the doctor and his
patients my entire life as an adult, have taken
time to explain things to patients, and have
helped them lead healthy lives."
"Wonderful. Please proceed in with the
"And what about you?" The HMO executive
says, "I was the president of a very large
Health Maintenance Organization. I was
responsible for the health care of millions of
people all over the country."
St. Peter says, "Oh, I see. Please go on in
... but you can only stay two nights!"
There once was an Illinois
man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago
for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there
the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his
wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of
paper on which he had written her e-mail address,
he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note
was directed instead to an elderly preacher's
wife, whose husband had passed away only the day
before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail,
she took one look at the monitor, let out a
piercing scream, and fainted to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and
saw this note on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your
Signed, Your eternally loving husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here."
GOD'S LITTLE ACRE
Copyright (c) Rusti 2002, 2003
All Rights Reserved